This will not go down as a banner year for the Iowa legislature. There has been a great deal of heated conflict at the Iowa Statehouse this session and rightly so. A lot of stupid legislation has been proposed and, even worse, some of it has been passed.


The legislature would be wise to open its ears to the cries of the common people – people like you and me (unless you are uncommon). We have excellent ideas and are smarter than many of the men and women making laws for us.


I have some great ideas for new laws and since I have no immediate plans to run for office I will share them now in hopes that our elected officials will pick them up and put them to good use in future legislative sessions. These proposals are non-partisan and require very few, if any, tax dollars.


First of all, there ought to be a law banning those stupid furry toilet seat covers. I’ve heard a number of women complain that the men folk in their house forget to put the toilet seat down. Okay, I admit this can be a problem. But please don’t install those furry toilet lid-covers which make it impossible to get the seat to stay up when necessary. I think furry toilet seat covers are a feminist plot and should be outlawed.


There ought to be a law prohibiting talking during the main picture at a motion picture theater. This would include talking on a cell phone. There could be an exception for children who have to go potty.


There should be legislation barring nasty people from public buildings. Thankfully, folks with this problem are a definite minority but when too many are in one place at the same time it can be miserable. How can we be in the pursuit of happiness if we have to deal with nasty people?


There ought to be a law providing for public spankings for parents who refuse to at least try to control their children in public places. Every child gets unruly at times but the parent who sits back and smiles when Junior or Sissy carries on at length needs discipline more than the kid.


There ought to be a law requiring members of Congress to wear jackets like NASCAR racers so we can know who bought them.


Television stations and network news departments should be required to hire at least one unattractive anchor and reporter for each Barbie or Ken doll on their on-air staff. It would make homely folks like me feel a lot better and they might end up getting a few more real journalists in the deal.


There ought to be a law imposing strong penalties on persons who toss dirty disposable diapers in parking lots. There are few things more repulsive than sliding out of your car in a parking lot and placing your brand new Nike in a diaper full of… well, you know.


There ought to be a law that would banish those whiny anti-meat people to somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. I have no problem with vegetarians; folks have a right to eat what they please. When they start messing with my right to eat a juicy hamburger or a big, thick Iowa pork chop, however, my red neck begins to show. (For the record, I have vegetarian friends who aren’t whiny or dogmatic).


Sterling the Steer is not Lassie the Collie, for pity sake. After two years of sucking on ice cubes these folks may see polar bear roasts in a whole new light.


There ought to be a law that requires customers paying for their purchases with change to use a separate “change only” lane.


There ought to be a law that would require the inclusion of an IQ test in driver’s license exams. A poor score would prohibit the issuance of a license.


There ought to be a law that prevents women from answering, “I don’t care,” when asked at which restaurant they wish to eat.


There ought to be a law requiring people who habitually avoid using their turn signals to be sentenced to spend a whole day driving in New York City traffic.


Oh yes, one other thing: ice cream should be declared the national treat.