Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Dieters’ Comedy Club. This is the comedy club for people who feel they need to diet but would rather just laugh about it.


Boy it’s been a long, hot summer, hasn’t it? I think Climate Change is shrinking my shirts. All those high-calorie foods at family barbecues and reunion potlucks and sitting in air conditioning watching TV are taking their toll. But, what the heck, we can diet any time. I have to tell you, this summer the weather has cut my exercising down to zip and I’m thick and tired of it. But, it’s all my own fault — I’ve been exceeding the feed limit.


Over the past few years I’ve been staying away from scales. I don’t need another reminder of the inescapable truth. Last week, however, I spotted one of those old fashioned coin-operated scales that prints out your fortune and your weight. I couldn’t resist so I stepped on the scale and dropped in a penny. After a few seconds a small piece of paper was ejected. It read, “You are handsome, debonair and wealthy.” It had my weight wrong, too.


This dieting thing really is a problem for me. I mean, why starve to death to live longer? During the last diet I tried the first thing I lost was my temper and all I lost after that was my sense of humor.


When I diet I hate to go out to eat. The toughest part of dieting isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what others eat.


Doctors haven’t been able to help me with weight loss. When one doctor told me I was overweight I asked for a second opinion. He said, “You’re ugly, too!”


One of those television doctor shows did a program on dieting recently. A diet guru said that you know it’s time to diet when someone criticizes you and all you can do is turn the other chin.


There are so many different kinds of diets out there; I don’t know which one to try. I read about one diet that seems pretty simple — you eat all you want of anything you don’t like.


I also read about a new diet consisting only of onion sandwiches. You won’t lose much weight but your friends will think you look much smaller from a distance.


Of course there are all sorts of diet shakes on the market. How do you think that stuff would taste mixed in a DQ Blizzard?


A friend of mine tried a diet of coconuts and bananas. He didn’t lose any weight but you ought to see him climb a tree!


There’s a new raw diet gaining popularity on the West Coast. You eat your breakfast raw and you eat your lunch raw. Then for dinner you put on some clothes.


Have you heard about Dr. Jones’ vegetable diet? The doctor claims if you eat only vegetables for 95 years, you won’t die young.


I read recently about a faith-based diet where you eat everything you want and then pray for a miracle.


Here in the city there are all sorts of weight loss centers where, for a fee, they will help you lose weight. I can’t imagine paying someone to tell me not to eat ice cream!


I’ve never visited any of those weight loss centers, but I read about one that sounds interesting. A former radio drama star has opened a reducing salon called “Thinner Sanctum.” I also heard of a weight loss center where they help you lose weight through meditation and visualization. It’s called “Wishful Shrinking.”


A good exercise regimen is important when you’re trying to lose weight and walking is an excellent way to burn up calories. My walking route is 2.2 miles — 1.1 mile to the ice cream store and 1.1 mile back home. Running, tennis and even horseback riding are good exercise, too. I tried horseback riding for a few weeks and the horse lost ten pounds.


It won’t be long until winter arrives and losing weight will be even more difficult. A 30-minute walk in 10 degree temperatures will just make me hungrier.


Well, folks, thank you for visiting the Dieters’ Comedy Club. Remember: the waist is a terrible thing to mind.