If you’re like me you ate too much over Thanksgiving and now you are heading into the Christmas/New Year’s holidays worried about weight gain. I hate it when this happens.
Don’t be alarmed; I am here to help. Before we begin, however, a few words of clarification:
First of all, we need to recognize that obesity is widespread. Secondly we must accept the fact that it’s called “diet” because all the other four-letter words are taken. And finally, it is a fact that brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
With that knowledge we can begin. Here are my holiday diet tips…
• Bake cupcakes for all your friends; the fatter they get, the thinner you’ll look.
• Tasting food while preparing it is essential and therefore healthy.
• Eat as much as you want, just don’t swallow it
• Never go back for seconds… get it all the first time.
• Try to cut back. Leave the cherry off your ice cream sundae.
• Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
• Dark chocolate and white chocolate cancel each other out. Therefore, if you eat them in equal quantities at all times they don’t count.
• Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.
• I have no problems with fresh vegetables, steamed rice, steamed broccoli and low-fat yogurts. Just keep them away while I’m eating.
• Frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories. The reason is that a calorie is a measurement of heat units.
• Drinking three glasses of water before every meal will help you lose weight because you will burn a lot of calories running to the bathroom.
• When eating donuts only eat the center part.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Movie related foods don’t count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, Junior Mints, Sour Patch Kids, Whoppers, chocolate covered raisins and other movie theater munchies.
• Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out.
• Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain fewer calories.
• Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy.
• Eat your food while staring into a mirror… totally naked!
• Dining out? Remember this: a dessert that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your dining companion order dessert and you eat half of it. Also, there aren’t any calories in food on someone else’s plate. And, when eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
• People love to give food as a gift during the holidays so anything somebody made “just for you” must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
• Touching a skinny person gives them all the calories.
• Life is unsure, so always eat your dessert first.
• Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach, which is why you should have it with every meal.
• If you drink a diet soda with ice cream they cancel each other out.
• Food used for medicinal purposes does not contain calories. These foods include (but are not limited to) hot chocolate, cheesecake, cinnamon rolls and bread pudding.
• One of the best little known dietary secrets: if no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
So these are my diet tips for the holiday season. Results may vary (by quite a bit.)